An unfit mother for sure.

This week I lost one baby I wanted and can’t even pick up the one I have.

I had massive abdominal surgery to fix a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. The problem had gone on so long that I have a huge scar rivalling that of a Cesarian Section.

I am devistated. The last thing I want to do is write about this and have everyone in the world know how bad I feel. But nothing else is making me feel better.

I had abdominal pain and abnormal bleading for a few weeks. I also had some right side numbness. I went to my regular family doctor. She told me to see my OB and a neurologist. I went to my OB. My OB told me I was pregnant. I was shocked because of the bleeding. Mr. Bishop and I were very excited for another little winter baby. The OB called me and said my blood test HcG was weird and my progestrone was low. I went back for a blood test 4 days later and the numbers got weirder and a little lower.

She called me back with that information late on a Friday night and told me to go to a radiologist sometime in the next week. She said it was possible ectopic pregnancy but not to worry. By Monday it had ruptured and I left my baby girl at home with her dad as I left in an ambulance. Mr. Bishop had strict instructions not to come to the hospital or anything. He was not to let that baby girl leave his sight for one minute. His only job was to make sure she was so happy and healthy she would not have time to miss me.

In the ambulance we did not yet know what was wrong. My family doctor had ruled out liver problems. The pain was unbearable. It was worse than child birth. Worse than a nose job. Worse than having emergency gall bladder removal. Worse than falling off your bike. Worse than a hangover.

I was throwing up. I was writhing.

The ambulance crew were angels. From now on when I see them in town, I can actually see their angel wings. The only thing I brought to the hospital with me was my breast pump. I wanted to pump and dump to protect my supply.

I had an emergency ultrasound. It was bad.

I was scheduled for surgery.

I was told that the surgeon would do anything he could to save the fallopian tube. He was actually going to try three successively more serious surgeries...starting from least invasive...to try and correct the problem. He was very kind to me and spent a lot of time treating me like a human being. I told him all I wanted was to go home and hold my baby girl.

It turns out there was so much hemorrhaging inside my abdomen that the surgeons had to do the most invasive surgery. The scar is big and painful. They did a nice job making it a clean looking line. I don't look too much like Frankenstein.

My body still hurts. My body hurts so much I am only just starting to feel the pain of losing the little baby. The baby would have never been viable.

The doctors said that it is not my fault. I could have done nothing to prevent it. It is a freak accident of nature.

I can't write any more. Maybe later.